那年的夏日和微风

驶入怀俄明州后多半时间手机是没有讯号的。朋友开着卡车摇摇晃晃，随风染起了尘土，享受着窗外的红岩和一望无际的蒿丛(sagebrush)。如果专心观察，丛林里还有奔跑嬉戏的羚羊，一瞬间仿佛来到了世外桃源。离开泊油路后，12英里的崎岖山路，小木屋是我们的目的地。闸门前映入眼帘有两侧的松树和杉树，越过这道门，浑然不知这个世界就这样按下停止键了。

简单的吃了铸铁锅做的晚餐和打理好房子后已夜深，漆黑的大地没有半点星光。这里毫无人烟，我是个小镇长大的小孩，从未享受过如此寂静的大地，所以难免还是会觉得胆怯。那个夜里断断续续睡了又醒，是害怕黑熊或是美洲狮来敲我的窗户？还是不曾察觉大地有如此巨大的力量？听着窗外的风在咆哮，原本以为躲藏到深山里会治愈失眠，却不经意让你溜进我的梦乡，辗转难眠。

早晨被炽热的阳光照醒，一切又焕然一新，仿佛所有的事情都不曾发生过。那个上午翻越了一座又一座的山丘，到废弃的小木屋转了一圈，坐在湖泊前休息。想象着原先居住在这个荒野里的人们，耕种这片土地，历经了长年寒酷的雪天，最后它还是归还给了大地，让人不禁感到沧桑。沿路我们分辨着经过、看过、抚摸过的植物和苔藓，这些猜谜游戏忽然变得如此重要。回到屋里朋友把山里采摘的花放在杯子里，餐桌上我们一起认真翻阅着植物书籍尝试辨别山里的植物，还有研究着高海拔烹饪食谱，吃着零嘴喝着咖啡，又这样坐了一个下午。偶尔发呆听着窗外的风势丝毫没有减缓，友人问：在想什么？我说：什么都没有。

开年至今，不平静的2020，脑袋从未如此空白过。每个月循此渐进的问题层层堆叠，不知道自己躲藏在这座垃圾山的那个角落？这里海拔九千多英尺，空气稀薄一直让人昏昏欲睡，还是与时间斗得已乏力？累计的挣扎和矛盾像是一团久久无法散去的乌云，无从前进。说不上来源，不知道是旧的回忆还是新的事件，只是午睡梦游之间醒来有一股熟悉的痛。梦里自己渐渐的漂浮起来，失去了引力。或许文字比我更懂自身的情绪，那就写下来吧，强迫自己把无形的感受写下，一遍一遍整理着自己的思绪，一层一层的拨开。

身处西域五年有余，部分的我接受了它的洗礼，如今脑袋不再尝试翻译。储存系统已经把两个语言分割清楚，它们自动切换，表达的情绪截然不同，有自己专属的字句。有时候我发现自己无法用母语贴切的解释一种状况，英语词汇库里没有这样的中文翻译，这让我觉得烦躁，像是有种无法被理解的情绪，和自身的经历一样。

跟朋友聊起中西文化语言上的差异。我自嘲好像可以说一百次 I miss you so much 却好像不用对谁负责。但流着中国血统的骨子里，“我很想念你”是非常沉重的思念。偶尔只是写在一张白纸上，静静地收入抽屉。我是被文字混淆了？还是偶尔它让我用另一个角度、套用另一种情绪去表达自己？或许其实“我想念你”没有那么难，或许I miss you 说给懂得人听， 也会倍感温暖。

于是我用了接近两个星期的时间去消化在山里短暂的时光，有时候坐在公园里的树下，有时在灯光昏暗的深夜，偶尔办公时脑海闪过了字句。写了又删，删了又写，才恍然了解，其实答案一直在心里，只是没有勇气拆开。就像面对面不发一语，不愿揭穿事实其实让我痛苦，很多时候反复的问自己，为什么会眼睁睁的任由事情自由发展？有些东西来来去去，本来就应该原封不动，但若真认为事情本该如此，那为何结局却让人如此沮丧？

但那只狐狸的眼神点醒了我。那个清晨的山里，它距离我们很近，黑幽幽的脚趾头，黄褐色的毛身还有白色的尾巴尖尖的，当它发现我的时候我们各自注视了彼此许久，站在原地一动不动。那个画面一直烙印在脑海里重复播放，好像认识它似的。但狐狸没有逗留太久，转身小跑扬长而去，偶尔看见它的背影穿梭在树林里，非常优雅。

然后我在羚羊的身上也看见了同样的眼神。那个傍晚在山路里散步追逐着夕阳，朋友说：你看！有只羚羊朝我们发出警告。那断断续续的声音像是狗吠声一样，我们继续悠悠的在小道上散步。时而回头看那站在原地一动不动观望的羚羊。

那专注的眼神，会不会是你偷偷跑回来看我了呢？你看我是不是过得还不赖，所以已经很少想起你了。只是至今仍闻到你残留的气味，当我摆花弄草，你会不会站在远方眺望那相似的影子？代代延续下的生命，在替你灿烂的盛开着，或许有天我会回去，跟你以前一样过着安稳的生活。你会不会心疼我说：孩子，其实无论你在哪里，我都会默默的守护着你，因为我已经变成了天使。

于是我头也不回的消失在羚羊的视线里，让你帮我驱散我身后的迷雾，我知道当我愿意放下，你会这么做。我说过会让自己好起来，我真的有说到做到。回头看看自己的生活，我曾经认真的问自己以后想要做什么呢？但以后即将成为现在，时光流逝得太快，曾经的痛苦一眨眼或许就变得不重要了。重要的是，如今我们都好好的活着。

若有天我能年过半百，我会乔装有智慧的口吻对孩子们说：或许不是你的错，我无法告诉你未来的事情，但是时间会告诉你答案。若哪一天我无法再给你指引，切记很多事情你不需要马上知道答案，但你要倾听你自己的心，我的好友曾经这样对我说。那年夏天在小屋客厅里的火堆前裹着棉被，看着闪闪的烛光，我问：怎么做？她轻轻的说道：那你的心说了什么呢？

那年一起走过的夏日和微风，你的心说了什么呢？有一天会不会告诉我？

2020年6月 夏

后续：或许我是故意把它写得模糊，反正后来很多事只需要我知道，不需要他人看懂。这段故事记载了在美国孤独又独立的岁月、汉娜的陪伴和友情、怀念的外婆和阿祖，还有陪我经历过地震和新冠病毒后即将要离开的你。

倘若这些事情没有教会我，对你的经过我可能还是会紧抓不放。但后来才知道你是我人生必须要写的作业，时间到了，功课完成了，我们必须道别各自下个旅程。

把饼干和雪糕吃完我们就不要再想起对方了好吗？I miss you 我就不说给你听了。

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Sentimental spring

Your message came through at 6:53 a.m. when I just woke up in bed. You seldom text me at this time, let alone being so early, I couldn't process the message for a second.

"I'll be leaving Utah this fall."

Oh shit. That was my first instinct and followed by this really weird feeling that upsets my stomach and makes me wanna throw up. Even till these days, probably still the most hurtful words continuously playing in my mind. Yes, your close friend still talking to me showing flowers in her backyard, not knowing what had happened. There's no sign on your social media, of course, you seem to have lots of friends and looks like a happy person. I don't understand why it is important for you to tell me? We only know each other for four months. Why didn't you just keep it until fall and just leave?

All my feelings in these past few days had been filled with madness, anger, and sadness. It almost feels like you're the one that walks into my life and then abandons me. Although deep down inside, I'm more than clear, that you didn't lie a second from the beginning, even though moving away has always been a sensitive subject between us.

After talking to my friends I decided to follow my heart, although you didn't want to talk about it, so I wrote you a message:
"I apologize for not congratulating you earlier. I can't imagine how hard it is to find a job right now and you've achieved something! Although I'll be very sad seeing you go, I do really enjoy spending time with you. But I wanted to be supportive and I really hope that you'll be happy doing things that you wish. "

My heart had broken into pieces again. I am sure you do too cause you didn't even know what to reply. I didn't blame you leaving for a new job, deep down inside I could always feel your pain and sorrow. We came from the same background, suffer from the same expectations from our Asian parents, looking at you is like reflecting myself in a mirror. Among all the people I've known, no one comes closer to that connectedness, both workaholic and achiever, sensitive but kind, independent and lonely.

Seeing you trapped in that situation living towards their expectation for the past 10 years, working 80+ hours week wearing a glamorous angel ring called doctor, being empty, and lacking emotional agility towards your own needs, my heart sunken looking at it but couldn't speak a word. Then I believe telling me the truth was hard, but maybe to you it was the right thing to do.

And now it kept me thinking, why do we need to tear each other apart before you even leave? Why do we need to make it so much bitter and, sorrow? Aren’t we supposed to appreciate each other more and spend more valuable time together? Our rational intellect thinking over the years has turned us into the timidest and helpless person trapped in our own emotions.

Do you still remember the first time we met? It was at a Chinese restaurant and you looked really nervous and awkward, that was the only time you dress nicely. I asked you what’s about your work as you said briefly: doctor. After lunch, you follow me to do grocery shopping which in my mind I feel super embarrassed. To be honest it wasn’t a very good impression even you treated me with both lunch and boba tea. Now I don't think I will ever visit that restaurant again.

The second time it was even worst I thought cause you throw me into this CNY hot pot with 10+ of our friends in a crowded and noisy restaurant, which I knew none of them. But I ended up sending you a thank you message at night and thinking about you for two weeks when you fly back home for the new year. Who knows the stories later evolve to knowing Thit and we still talk a lot about flowers.

The third time it was actually me that asked you out.
“Ramen?” I said.
You drive in the snow for 30 mins to come and see me. We walked down the cold street searching for dessert and I treated you with gelato ice-cream. Till these days we still tease each other about vanilla flavor and boring americano coffee. And I can still remember your face when you asked me if I want to sample your chocolate and pistachio ice cream. When we walked back to your car crossing the traffic lights, bumping into each other elbow makes me feel how close we actually are. You said good night for the first time. When I think that life is going to be sound and sweet ever after, coronavirus and earthquake hits.

We spend two months not seeing each other. I was being isolated with the stay at home order, juggling new projects, and work 60-80 hours a week. Hospital for you is like a crazy zone because of all the unknowns. I remember you sending me messages late evening saying something like ‘just finished meetings.’ But we still spend time texting each other 2-3 times a week, actually we never really missed it. Sometimes I do really worry too much due to the nature of your job, then I called you on the phone you sound really happy.

One day, we went for a hike after a Korean bbq fight. That was the first time we see each other after two months. I remember being frustrated running around the mountains and when I finally see you and no one is mad at each other. We sat on the mountain for more than an hour, that was the first time you told me about your really sick patient and how over the years you’re numb to your feelings. You then run down the hill like a hermit trying to hide back to the shell, I was so mad thinking that this is over, but then you tease me with a passerby snake. After the hike when I woke up in a nap feeling terrible, but you send me a concert video clip saying ‘ some entertainment’.

Is this the end of the story when these sweet memories will soon turn bitter? When I think about if there’s an earthquake again no one is going to text me checking on me whether I am ok already makes me want to cry. I wrote such a long blog so that I will remember these memories that one day soon I will forget. I am sorry but for some unknown reason, I don’t see a future of us together. More than afraid of being alone, when I think about you are going to be the same too, make me feels so heavy. Although I haven't shed a single tear yet. I just wonder to myself how many cups of coffee, how many phone calls, and how many tablets of sleeping pills are going to get me through this?

I’ve never felt so connected to someone, you’re fun, smart, and very kind. Although I sometimes tell you how much I appreciate you, and you never replied, I am even comfortable with your social awkwardness which so far I never had so much patience in a person. I can be myself in front of you, cause I know you’re willing to take me as I am.

Now I don’t really know how to close this chapter. All it takes is time. I figure writing it down since I haven’t been writing much about you. You made me grow so much but too bad you’re not the one that stays in my life. I knew that it was only for short 4 months and you’ve fulfilled your duty and ready to proceed but it was so hard to accept the reality that sooner is probably better.

“You must search for the mountain goats and wildflowers that’s the thing that will keep you moving, use that as your aim.” You said.

What's your aim, darling? Maybe I should have asked. Too late.

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