"I'll be leaving Utah this fall."
Oh shit. That was my first instinct and followed by this really weird feeling that upsets my stomach and makes me wanna throw up. Even till these days, probably still the most hurtful words continuously playing in my mind. Yes, your close friend still talking to me showing flowers in her backyard, not knowing what had happened. There's no sign on your social media, of course, you seem to have lots of friends and looks like a happy person. I don't understand why it is important for you to tell me? We only know each other for four months. Why didn't you just keep it until fall and just leave?
All my feelings in these past few days had been filled with madness, anger, and sadness. It almost feels like you're the one that walks into my life and then abandons me. Although deep down inside, I'm more than clear, that you didn't lie a second from the beginning, even though moving away has always been a sensitive subject between us.
After talking to my friends I decided to follow my heart, although you didn't want to talk about it, so I wrote you a message:
"I apologize for not congratulating you earlier. I can't imagine how hard it is to find a job right now and you've achieved something! Although I'll be very sad seeing you go, I do really enjoy spending time with you. But I wanted to be supportive and I really hope that you'll be happy doing things that you wish. "
My heart had broken into pieces again. I am sure you do too cause you didn't even know what to reply. I didn't blame you leaving for a new job, deep down inside I could always feel your pain and sorrow. We came from the same background, suffer from the same expectations from our Asian parents, looking at you is like reflecting myself in a mirror. Among all the people I've known, no one comes closer to that connectedness, both workaholic and achiever, sensitive but kind, independent and lonely.
Seeing you trapped in that situation living towards their expectation for the past 10 years, working 80+ hours week wearing a glamorous angel ring called doctor, being empty, and lacking emotional agility towards your own needs, my heart sunken looking at it but couldn't speak a word. Then I believe telling me the truth was hard, but maybe to you it was the right thing to do.
And now it kept me thinking, why do we need to tear each other apart before you even leave? Why do we need to make it so much bitter and, sorrow? Aren’t we supposed to appreciate each other more and spend more valuable time together? Our rational intellect thinking over the years has turned us into the timidest and helpless person trapped in our own emotions.
Do you still remember the first time we met? It was at a Chinese restaurant and you looked really nervous and awkward, that was the only time you dress nicely. I asked you what’s about your work as you said briefly: doctor. After lunch, you follow me to do grocery shopping which in my mind I feel super embarrassed. To be honest it wasn’t a very good impression even you treated me with both lunch and boba tea. Now I don't think I will ever visit that restaurant again.
The second time it was even worst I thought cause you throw me into this CNY hot pot with 10+ of our friends in a crowded and noisy restaurant, which I knew none of them. But I ended up sending you a thank you message at night and thinking about you for two weeks when you fly back home for the new year. Who knows the stories later evolve to knowing Thit and we still talk a lot about flowers.
The third time it was actually me that asked you out.
“Ramen?” I said.
You drive in the snow for 30 mins to come and see me. We walked down the cold street searching for dessert and I treated you with gelato ice-cream. Till these days we still tease each other about vanilla flavor and boring americano coffee. And I can still remember your face when you asked me if I want to sample your chocolate and pistachio ice cream. When we walked back to your car crossing the traffic lights, bumping into each other elbow makes me feel how close we actually are. You said good night for the first time. When I think that life is going to be sound and sweet ever after, coronavirus and earthquake hits.
We spend two months not seeing each other. I was being isolated with the stay at home order, juggling new projects, and work 60-80 hours a week. Hospital for you is like a crazy zone because of all the unknowns. I remember you sending me messages late evening saying something like ‘just finished meetings.’ But we still spend time texting each other 2-3 times a week, actually we never really missed it. Sometimes I do really worry too much due to the nature of your job, then I called you on the phone you sound really happy.
One day, we went for a hike after a Korean bbq fight. That was the first time we see each other after two months. I remember being frustrated running around the mountains and when I finally see you and no one is mad at each other. We sat on the mountain for more than an hour, that was the first time you told me about your really sick patient and how over the years you’re numb to your feelings. You then run down the hill like a hermit trying to hide back to the shell, I was so mad thinking that this is over, but then you tease me with a passerby snake. After the hike when I woke up in a nap feeling terrible, but you send me a concert video clip saying ‘ some entertainment’.
Is this the end of the story when these sweet memories will soon turn bitter? When I think about if there’s an earthquake again no one is going to text me checking on me whether I am ok already makes me want to cry. I wrote such a long blog so that I will remember these memories that one day soon I will forget. I am sorry but for some unknown reason, I don’t see a future of us together. More than afraid of being alone, when I think about you are going to be the same too, make me feels so heavy. Although I haven't shed a single tear yet. I just wonder to myself how many cups of coffee, how many phone calls, and how many tablets of sleeping pills are going to get me through this?
I’ve never felt so connected to someone, you’re fun, smart, and very kind. Although I sometimes tell you how much I appreciate you, and you never replied, I am even comfortable with your social awkwardness which so far I never had so much patience in a person. I can be myself in front of you, cause I know you’re willing to take me as I am.
Now I don’t really know how to close this chapter. All it takes is time. I figure writing it down since I haven’t been writing much about you. You made me grow so much but too bad you’re not the one that stays in my life. I knew that it was only for short 4 months and you’ve fulfilled your duty and ready to proceed but it was so hard to accept the reality that sooner is probably better.
“You must search for the mountain goats and wildflowers that’s the thing that will keep you moving, use that as your aim.” You said.
What's your aim, darling? Maybe I should have asked. Too late.
